One of the most difficult things that I am facing right now in my life and in my walk with God, is letting go. I have never walked through such insurmountable pain before, and everyday I am faced with the decision to "make or "break" my day based on my actions. This life is filled with so many uncertainties, and I have realized that by letting go, I am completely at God's mercy to take the "steering wheel" of my life. I have no clue where my destination lies, and the uncharted territory ahead is almost frightening. However, I have to trust the fact that because I have given my life completely over to Him, laying aside my thoughts, my will and desires, that He will bless me for my submission and obedience. This is not to say that the journey will be easy, without it's disappointments, and trials. It may also not look ANYTHING like I thought it would be, and I have to be okay with that.
God will go to any lengths to get to our hearts, He will allow us to be completely stripped of everything, just so our hearts will once again be totally His. He IS a jealous God as His word clearly states, and when we let ourselves get caught up in the world's way of life, then decide to come running home like the prodigal son, begging to be restored into our Father's house, it is not without conditions. One year ago, I prayed a very dangerous prayer. I asked for the Lord to show me why I had such a tendency to blindly run towards destructive things, even when my heart didn't desire to do those things. Over time, He revealed to me that I had so much hurt built up in my heart from past wounds, that I allowed walls to be built around my heart so that nothing could come in and hurt me. When I would feel rejected or unloved by someone, I would run away from them, desperately searching for someone else to make me feel valuable and important. The crazy thing is that I hurt other people in my life because I was hurt; it was this vicious cycle that I couldn't get off of. And to make things worse, when I knew that I had hurt someone, I would not forgive myself, and I thought that I would never be of any value to them ever again, even if they said that they forgave me. This caused me to run around in these destructive never-ending circles: I feel rejected, I run away, hurt someone out of my own hurt, feel rejected and unloved that I hurt them, so I run away, hurt someone again . . . . you get the picture.
Over the course of this last year, I have asked God to completely break me of this horrible sin pattern in my life. Step by step, little by little, He has shown me how to be totally free from this bondage. It has been a long, hard learning process and it has come with MANY consequences for my past wrong actions. I can say today I am TOTALLY free from that awful sin pattern that I followed, and that day by day I am finding the freedom to just be the Nikki that God intended for me to be. I am gaining strength in knowing who I am as a child of God and how to stand on my own two feet, strong and secure. I am by no means perfect, I still make mistakes in my life, but I can say in confidence that the sin pattern that plagued me is GONE!!!!
My mission now is to seek restoration from those whom I have hurt, and to show them by perseverance and a time of rebuilding trust, that I am not the same hurt Nikki that I used to be. I don't know how these people will react, I may never see a true "mending of relationships" due to their own fear of being hurt, but I know that I am determined to show them that I love and care enough to run after them, even if that means being hurt and rejected in return. The difference is that this time, I am fully aware of where I have been in the past, and the fact that I WILL never return to the past. I stand on the Word that Jesus speaks as a PROMISE, "Whoever the Son sets free is FREE INDEED!!!"
I have already come so far, that I will not go back. Hence, I press forward, how ever-hard this journey may be . . .
~ Nikki Caldon
Monday, June 25, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
"The Tragedy of Painkillers" (A Story)
Once upon a time, a very broken, lost and hurting girl took some serious painkillers, to numb a horrific amount of pain and agony that she was in. For she knew that if she could completely numb her heart from all of the insurmountable damage that it had suffered, maybe, just maybe she could get through her life relatively pain free. The effects of the painkillers, however, put her into such a deep sleep, that not even the one who loved her most, her lover, couldn't wake her up. Her lover grieved for years for his beloved, who was in this unresponsive state. She was unable to give any love or warmth from her heart back to her lover; for it had been tucked away, preserved and protected from anything that could come and crush her spirit.
After so many years of torment, her lover sadly walked away from her bedside. He felt that since there was seemingly no hope of her awakening, that he should just resolve to take the same painkillers, to numb the horrible emptyiness of not being able to receive her love in return. Soon after he took the painkillers, his eyes got very heavy, and he started to feel sleepy. He knew that very soon he would be in this same comatose state as his beloved. Suddenly he heard his lover, the one who had been asleep for so long, abruptly awaken from her slumber and scream out his name. In desperation she searched for him in the lonely darkness of a large, and now empty house; a house that had once been filled with radiant laughter and love. When she stumbled upon him, she found him lying on the floor in the darkness of a lonely and empty room. As he laid there on the cold, hard floor, she quickly grabbed her lover, and swept him up into her arms. She held him close, pleading and shaking his frail body, begging him not to fall asleep. You see, it was only when her lover left her bedside, that she started to feel cold, hungry, and gasping for air. She knew that the only thing that had kept her alive during her state of slumber, had been the warmth of her lover's closeness, the food of love that he had made to nourish her body with, and the oxygen that he had given her; to sustain her and keep her lungs filled with air. He had been her LIFE SUPPORT, keeping her stablized and alive for all of those years.
As she gasped for air, she pleaded with him not to fall asleep, for she knew that if he went under into this same state of unconsciousness, that he would never return to her. She also knew that she would die without the warmth of his presence, the food of love that he continually fed to her with, and the life-giving oxygen, lovingly given by his own lungs to keep her breathing.
To this day she sits there in this empty house, hovering over her lover. And with tears streaming down her face, she pleads for her lover to feel again, begging him not to go under. The painkillers however, are quickly getting stronger, working their magic to take him into this apathetic state. Her one last hope for his coveted consciousness, is to cry out to the Creator of this Universe. She screams at the air, calling out to the heavens, to the only one who can reverse this awful curse. She fully comprehends the cause and effect of these powerful drugs, and knows their forboding impact of regret and sorrow. If she only would have known that this terrible tragedy could have been prevented, by choosing a better way to ease her pain, she never would have taken the potent drug in the first place. She never meant or intended to cause her lover to go through such a traumatic series of events. She mourns in her heart for her blind actions, and the serious ramifications that followed her decisions.
If you are quiet for just a moment, you can still hear her voice, as it echos through the darkness, begging for the God of heaven and earth to answer her desperate cries. If you listen closely, you can still hear her beating on the chest of her beloved, trying to awaken and resuscitate his waning heartbeat. If you feel the wind blow fiercely through the air and across your face, it just may be her breath, frantically forcing her own air into her beloveds' mouth, trying to keep his lungs filled with air. And if you breathe ever so deeply into your nostrils, you can smell the essence of sustenance, the food of love prepared for her beloved, ready to nourish him and keep his body from starvation. Finally, if you hear a song that pulls on your heartstrings, a melody that shakes you down to the very core of your soul, it may quite possibly be her singing this song of desperation to the open sky:
"Possibly never loved in return
I’m holding my heart out for you
While cold and stale, you shun me to hide
From the deep graves of love lost, buried inside
I’m begging you now
Won’t you open up to love?
And I’m pleading for you
To feel again
Don’t numb your desires
To live again, breathe again,
I’m pleading for you . . .
You've mastered the skill of what you know best
Yet for all of your endless knowledge
This one thing it seems you've forgotten
Defense will be your greatest mistake
when my gentle love comes to rescue you"
After so many years of torment, her lover sadly walked away from her bedside. He felt that since there was seemingly no hope of her awakening, that he should just resolve to take the same painkillers, to numb the horrible emptyiness of not being able to receive her love in return. Soon after he took the painkillers, his eyes got very heavy, and he started to feel sleepy. He knew that very soon he would be in this same comatose state as his beloved. Suddenly he heard his lover, the one who had been asleep for so long, abruptly awaken from her slumber and scream out his name. In desperation she searched for him in the lonely darkness of a large, and now empty house; a house that had once been filled with radiant laughter and love. When she stumbled upon him, she found him lying on the floor in the darkness of a lonely and empty room. As he laid there on the cold, hard floor, she quickly grabbed her lover, and swept him up into her arms. She held him close, pleading and shaking his frail body, begging him not to fall asleep. You see, it was only when her lover left her bedside, that she started to feel cold, hungry, and gasping for air. She knew that the only thing that had kept her alive during her state of slumber, had been the warmth of her lover's closeness, the food of love that he had made to nourish her body with, and the oxygen that he had given her; to sustain her and keep her lungs filled with air. He had been her LIFE SUPPORT, keeping her stablized and alive for all of those years.
As she gasped for air, she pleaded with him not to fall asleep, for she knew that if he went under into this same state of unconsciousness, that he would never return to her. She also knew that she would die without the warmth of his presence, the food of love that he continually fed to her with, and the life-giving oxygen, lovingly given by his own lungs to keep her breathing.
To this day she sits there in this empty house, hovering over her lover. And with tears streaming down her face, she pleads for her lover to feel again, begging him not to go under. The painkillers however, are quickly getting stronger, working their magic to take him into this apathetic state. Her one last hope for his coveted consciousness, is to cry out to the Creator of this Universe. She screams at the air, calling out to the heavens, to the only one who can reverse this awful curse. She fully comprehends the cause and effect of these powerful drugs, and knows their forboding impact of regret and sorrow. If she only would have known that this terrible tragedy could have been prevented, by choosing a better way to ease her pain, she never would have taken the potent drug in the first place. She never meant or intended to cause her lover to go through such a traumatic series of events. She mourns in her heart for her blind actions, and the serious ramifications that followed her decisions.
If you are quiet for just a moment, you can still hear her voice, as it echos through the darkness, begging for the God of heaven and earth to answer her desperate cries. If you listen closely, you can still hear her beating on the chest of her beloved, trying to awaken and resuscitate his waning heartbeat. If you feel the wind blow fiercely through the air and across your face, it just may be her breath, frantically forcing her own air into her beloveds' mouth, trying to keep his lungs filled with air. And if you breathe ever so deeply into your nostrils, you can smell the essence of sustenance, the food of love prepared for her beloved, ready to nourish him and keep his body from starvation. Finally, if you hear a song that pulls on your heartstrings, a melody that shakes you down to the very core of your soul, it may quite possibly be her singing this song of desperation to the open sky:
"Possibly never loved in return
I’m holding my heart out for you
While cold and stale, you shun me to hide
From the deep graves of love lost, buried inside
I’m begging you now
Won’t you open up to love?
And I’m pleading for you
To feel again
Don’t numb your desires
To live again, breathe again,
I’m pleading for you . . .
You've mastered the skill of what you know best
Yet for all of your endless knowledge
This one thing it seems you've forgotten
Defense will be your greatest mistake
when my gentle love comes to rescue you"
Written By:
Nikki Caldon 2006 ©
Nikki Caldon 2006 ©
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Paula is Africa bound!!!
I am happy to tell all of you that our friend, Paula Price, left on Monday afternoon to Africa!! She is on a two week trip, where she will be meeting with ambassadors of Africa and many, many other important people! She was asked by a good friend of hers, Julias, to accompany her on this trip, to present a non-profit organization that they represent. I'm not sure yet of all of the details of what they will be doing, but I am keeping in touch with her via email so I can keep you updated. I will blog more about her trip when she gets in contact with me!!
Stay tuned . . . .
Stay tuned . . . .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
