A Long Love Letter

HI ya'll! I've been reading this amazing book titled, "A long love letter", written by Margaret Ruth Baker and it is a book that takes all of the promises of God and lays them out in a really basic way that is easy to take in and comprehend.

~ Plan ~

Beloved -

It is a lost art to cherish and quiet and solitude and a set apart, holy life. That makes it even more precious to Me. So many fill their lives with the clutter of the mundane, the unimportant and the trivial that will all be burned up as wood, hay and stubble when they leave life and earth. They will look back and only see a puff of smoke, a vapor disappearing that represents all of their efforts and time on earth. They have not stopped long enough to search for MY DIRECTION. They fail to look up and LIVE, TRULY LIVE, the purpose and meaning I have planned for their lives. They are caught up on a treadmill, in a maze that leads to nowhere, amid the noise of nothing. Thank you, for coming, for listening and for waiting attentively for My direction and purpose for your life. Your taking time to come apart will be greatly rewarded.

I will share My love and My concern and My interest in the plan I have for your life. Because of My great love for the unique creation I have made in you, it will be a way like no other - one that fits only you. It will be a plan to bless you, for your good and welfare, a plan to prosper you in all areas and ways and means. Reach out and embrace My perfect plan for your life. It will save you from much needless sorrow and pain and suffering and dissapointment. As you wait and watch and listen - I will share My heart with you and bless you abundantly for I, truly, love and care about you and long to commune with you . . .

~ God
(paraphrased by Margaret Ruth Baker)

Jeremiah 29:11 ~ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. I AM mindful of the plans I have made for your good, says Jehovah. The thoughts I think toward you are of peace and wholeness and not trouble or misfortune, says Adoni. I, alone, know My purpose for you and it is for your well-being and to prosper you. I will bless you with a future of success and NOT SUFFERING! I AM reserving a future FULL OF HOPE for you! I have plans for your welfare and not for woe. I have given you a destiny and an expected end, declares Yahweh.

Hard Life Lessons Learned . . .

One of the most difficult things that I am facing right now in my life and in my walk with God, is letting go. I have never walked through such insurmountable pain before, and everyday I am faced with the decision to "make or "break" my day based on my actions. This life is filled with so many uncertainties, and I have realized that by letting go, I am completely at God's mercy to take the "steering wheel" of my life. I have no clue where my destination lies, and the uncharted territory ahead is almost frightening. However, I have to trust the fact that because I have given my life completely over to Him, laying aside my thoughts, my will and desires, that He will bless me for my submission and obedience. This is not to say that the journey will be easy, without it's disappointments, and trials. It may also not look ANYTHING like I thought it would be, and I have to be okay with that.



God will go to any lengths to get to our hearts, He will allow us to be completely stripped of everything, just so our hearts will once again be totally His. He IS a jealous God as His word clearly states, and when we let ourselves get caught up in the world's way of life, then decide to come running home like the prodigal son, begging to be restored into our Father's house, it is not without conditions. One year ago, I prayed a very dangerous prayer. I asked for the Lord to show me why I had such a tendency to blindly run towards destructive things, even when my heart didn't desire to do those things. Over time, He revealed to me that I had so much hurt built up in my heart from past wounds, that I allowed walls to be built around my heart so that nothing could come in and hurt me. When I would feel rejected or unloved by someone, I would run away from them, desperately searching for someone else to make me feel valuable and important. The crazy thing is that I hurt other people in my life because I was hurt; it was this vicious cycle that I couldn't get off of. And to make things worse, when I knew that I had hurt someone, I would not forgive myself, and I thought that I would never be of any value to them ever again, even if they said that they forgave me. This caused me to run around in these destructive never-ending circles: I feel rejected, I run away, hurt someone out of my own hurt, feel rejected and unloved that I hurt them, so I run away, hurt someone again . . . . you get the picture.



Over the course of this last year, I have asked God to completely break me of this horrible sin pattern in my life. Step by step, little by little, He has shown me how to be totally free from this bondage. It has been a long, hard learning process and it has come with MANY consequences for my past wrong actions. I can say today I am TOTALLY free from that awful sin pattern that I followed, and that day by day I am finding the freedom to just be the Nikki that God intended for me to be. I am gaining strength in knowing who I am as a child of God and how to stand on my own two feet, strong and secure. I am by no means perfect, I still make mistakes in my life, but I can say in confidence that the sin pattern that plagued me is GONE!!!!



My mission now is to seek restoration from those whom I have hurt, and to show them by perseverance and a time of rebuilding trust, that I am not the same hurt Nikki that I used to be. I don't know how these people will react, I may never see a true "mending of relationships" due to their own fear of being hurt, but I know that I am determined to show them that I love and care enough to run after them, even if that means being hurt and rejected in return. The difference is that this time, I am fully aware of where I have been in the past, and the fact that I WILL never return to the past. I stand on the Word that Jesus speaks as a PROMISE, "Whoever the Son sets free is FREE INDEED!!!"


I have already come so far, that I will not go back. Hence, I press forward, how ever-hard this journey may be . . .


~ Nikki Caldon

"The Tragedy of Painkillers" (A Story)

Once upon a time, a very broken, lost and hurting girl took some serious painkillers, to numb a horrific amount of pain and agony that she was in. For she knew that if she could completely numb her heart from all of the insurmountable damage that it had suffered, maybe, just maybe she could get through her life relatively pain free. The effects of the painkillers, however, put her into such a deep sleep, that not even the one who loved her most, her lover, couldn't wake her up. Her lover grieved for years for his beloved, who was in this unresponsive state. She was unable to give any love or warmth from her heart back to her lover; for it had been tucked away, preserved and protected from anything that could come and crush her spirit.

After so many years of torment, her lover sadly walked away from her bedside. He felt that since there was seemingly no hope of her awakening, that he should just resolve to take the same painkillers, to numb the horrible emptyiness of not being able to receive her love in return. Soon after he took the painkillers, his eyes got very heavy, and he started to feel sleepy. He knew that very soon he would be in this same comatose state as his beloved. Suddenly he heard his lover, the one who had been asleep for so long, abruptly awaken from her slumber and scream out his name. In desperation she searched for him in the lonely darkness of a large, and now empty house; a house that had once been filled with radiant laughter and love. When she stumbled upon him, she found him lying on the floor in the darkness of a lonely and empty room. As he laid there on the cold, hard floor, she quickly grabbed her lover, and swept him up into her arms. She held him close, pleading and shaking his frail body, begging him not to fall asleep. You see, it was only when her lover left her bedside, that she started to feel cold, hungry, and gasping for air. She knew that the only thing that had kept her alive during her state of slumber, had been the warmth of her lover's closeness, the food of love that he had made to nourish her body with, and the oxygen that he had given her; to sustain her and keep her lungs filled with air. He had been her LIFE SUPPORT, keeping her stablized and alive for all of those years.


As she gasped for air, she pleaded with him not to fall asleep, for she knew that if he went under into this same state of unconsciousness, that he would never return to her. She also knew that she would die without the warmth of his presence, the food of love that he continually fed to her with, and the life-giving oxygen, lovingly given by his own lungs to keep her breathing.


To this day she sits there in this empty house, hovering over her lover. And with tears streaming down her face, she pleads for her lover to feel again, begging him not to go under. The painkillers however, are quickly getting stronger, working their magic to take him into this apathetic state. Her one last hope for his coveted consciousness, is to cry out to the Creator of this Universe. She screams at the air, calling out to the heavens, to the only one who can reverse this awful curse. She fully comprehends the cause and effect of these powerful drugs, and knows their forboding impact of regret and sorrow. If she only would have known that this terrible tragedy could have been prevented, by choosing a better way to ease her pain, she never would have taken the potent drug in the first place. She never meant or intended to cause her lover to go through such a traumatic series of events. She mourns in her heart for her blind actions, and the serious ramifications that followed her decisions.

If you are quiet for just a moment, you can still hear her voice, as it echos through the darkness, begging for the God of heaven and earth to answer her desperate cries. If you listen closely, you can still hear her beating on the chest of her beloved, trying to awaken and resuscitate his waning heartbeat. If you feel the wind blow fiercely through the air and across your face, it just may be her breath, frantically forcing her own air into her beloveds' mouth, trying to keep his lungs filled with air. And if you breathe ever so deeply into your nostrils, you can smell the essence of sustenance, the food of love prepared for her beloved, ready to nourish him and keep his body from starvation. Finally, if you hear a song that pulls on your heartstrings, a melody that shakes you down to the very core of your soul, it may quite possibly be her singing this song of desperation to the open sky:

"Possibly never loved in return
I’m holding my heart out for you
While cold and stale, you shun me to hide
From the deep graves of love lost, buried inside

I’m begging you now
Won’t you open up to love?
And I’m pleading for you
To feel again
Don’t numb your desires
To live again, breathe again,
I’m pleading for you . . .

You've mastered the skill of what you know best
Yet for all of your endless knowledge
This one thing it seems you've forgotten
Defense will be your greatest mistake
when my gentle love comes to rescue you"

Written By:
Nikki Caldon 2006 ©

Paula is Africa bound!!!

I am happy to tell all of you that our friend, Paula Price, left on Monday afternoon to Africa!! She is on a two week trip, where she will be meeting with ambassadors of Africa and many, many other important people! She was asked by a good friend of hers, Julias, to accompany her on this trip, to present a non-profit organization that they represent. I'm not sure yet of all of the details of what they will be doing, but I am keeping in touch with her via email so I can keep you updated. I will blog more about her trip when she gets in contact with me!!

Stay tuned . . . .

I wrote a new song!

While staying with my parents in Visalia for Memorial Day weekend, my adopted sister, Chelsea and I co-wrote a song; I posted the lyrics to it on my last post. I was so inspired by her writing, that I had the "itch" to write the music to it, so I sat down at my mom's piano and wrote it in ten minutes. I have had nothing but great reviews by all who have heard it so far, and I plan on using the song when I record in June. After spending the morning writing music, Chels and I took my kids and her younger brother over to my parents' pool!!



We had a blast just hangin' out together . . .

So I'm visiting my parents in Egypt, (AKA - Visialia) and I have really enjoyed spending time with a new "member" of our family. My brother's friend, Chelsea, is staying with my parents indefinitely and she is simply amazing!! She is very creative and eclectic . . . Like me!!! Needless to say, we get along fabulously!!! We were exchanging our writings and poetry, when I ran across this one that she wrote. I love this raw and true to life emotion being poured out with such intensity . . .

~ Forever ~

When I close my eyes the fact of you still lingers

The feel of you at my fingers

The touch of heaven that you still

Think is the right path

Ways to stay far away

You try and tell me how it is going to be

The way to the world through

The rest stop in your heart

Losing control today

Can't get you out of my head

Loving every moment that we've had

Holding onto that memory

Deep inside me you're the one

No matter the distance

Stay, Stay, Stay

You didn't turn

You never strayed

Your mind still there

Not knowing what to do

Taking in the stagnant memories

Whole hearted distractions

Mistakes

Would bring us down

Take what we had

Hoping to see it through

Losing control today

Can't get you out of my head

Loving every moment that we've had

Holding onto that memory

Deep inside me you're the one

No matter the distance

Stay, Stay, Stay

Breaking down

Screaming your name

Crying

Not knowing what to do

Please stay, Just stay

~ Chelsea Rowland

2007

Just my thoughts . . .

Your presence is ever haunting, I can barely breathe
When our eyes lock, gazes fixed, Somewhere inside I know your there
This suffocating wall of silence that keeps us from reaching out
Wanting to tell me, waiting to end this quiet insanity
Don't tell me that I didn't try, that I didn't care, that you were just a fleeting happenstance
A mere memory of foreboding, no! You are ever-present in my being
You've captured my affections and shaken my core
But without a second glance, your leaving,
My heart broken, left for bleeding
Yearning for your warmth, yet I'm the object of this departure
This rejection is saddening,
My delusional thoughts, almost maddening
I know that this was a crazy ride
But thank you for the time
I think I'll be just fine . . .

Ummm . . .

Can we just "Hit the reset button"?!?! One of those would come in really handy in my life . . .

"The world and it's schemes cannot destroy a spirit who's already set their heart and mind in heaven" . . .

~ Nikki Caldon

This one's for you, Mr. Fulkerson . . .

"I used to get bummed out when it rained, until I realized it was just God's way of washing off hippies."

~Unknown

Weekend at Lord's Land

This weekend Chris and I attended a "Healing & Restoration" conference out at the Lord's Land, a christian retreat center, located on the beautiful Mendocino coast of Northern California. The Lord's Land was built in the sixties, by an amazing German woman, when all of the hippies of that era were getting saved. There are wooden signs all over the property to look at, and other awesome knick nacks to enjoy! The purpose of this conference was based off of Neil T. Anderson's ministry, Freedom in Christ ministries, http://www.ficm.org/, a ministry designed to show people how to break negative thought patterns, control irrational feelings, and break out of habitual, sinful behavior.

We attended this conference with some members of our church, as well as Pastor Brad & Rhonda,Pastor Bob, and some of the members from our sister church, Cobb Mountain Community Church. We arrived late on Friday evening. It was rainy and dark when we got there, so we really couldn't see much of the scenery. We hung out for the rest of the evening in the main cabin and meeting area. We were then escorted to our cabin, which was labeled the "prayer and fasting cabin". (Each cabin had a different name) Our Ole' hippie friend, Jim Fulkerson & Tim Shellenberger were hanging out in our cabin when we arrived, as it was used during the day for prayer and worship. (Jim, I love the fact that you're still a Jesus Lovin', rockin' hippie, and Tim, well, I'm just glad that you are a Jesus Lovin' kinda guy!!!) Our cabin was very rustic, yet quaint. Our bed was in a loft where you had to climb up this wooden ladder to get there! On the ceiling above the bed were two huge skylights, and at the head of the bed there was a huge pained window. After drinking much coffee in the main cabin earlier, I had to tinkle. I inquired about where the bathroom might be; Good ole' Jim and Tim kindly responded by taking us up this short trek behind the cabin to an outhouse. On the door, were carved the words, "Love suffers long" and "Love is patient"! Funny stuff. The guys left and Chris and I were left alone. Chris urged me to use the primitive commode, and so I proceeded to do so with the door wide open, Chris staring at me, as well as anything and everything out in the woods!! I laughed soooo hard and got so nervous that I couldn't go!! (I got "stage fright")


"The humble commode" "Love Suffers Long"


The next morning, Chris and I woke up to soaring redwood trees, and the rain falling onto the skylight windows above our bed. It was a really cool moment, and we laid there in sheer awe, drinking in the beauty of God's creation. Wild!! Anyhow, we quickly got dressed and hiked up to the main cabin, where a grandiose breakfast awaited us! Dan the man, Lambeth, AKA - "super awesome chef of the year" was our cook for the weekend. Hats off to you Dan, you "brought it dude" and what a servant's heart; I don't think you ever left that kitchen!!


"Hangin' with the family of God" "Me and my girl Heidi!"

After breakfast, the first group of people went off to their "healing sessions" while the rest of us stayed and got our instruments out. We had an awesome time worshipping the Lord, and interceding for those in their sessions. By the time we were done with worship and prayer, lunch was done and those who were away at their morning sessions had returned. After lunch, Chris and I went our separate ways to attend our own personal healing sessions. I was scared at first, because earlier that morning, our leaders had given us these sheets to fill out about our personal lives. The sheets wanted you to be very specific about ANY & EVERY area of sin, habits and other shtuff in our lives that we wanted to be free of! It was good, but kinda embarrassing to have to expose some areas of my life!! What a relief though, afterwards, because God really healed me and set me free from a lot of bondage's and areas of sin that I was struggling with. I felt as though a heavy weight was lifted from my shoulders. By allowing God to "shed His light" into all of the dark places in my heart, it brought healing, restoration and freedom to release in my Spirit! Rhonda and Joan were my leaders in the session, and they were SO compassionate, gracious and understanding throughout the whole thing!!


Nervous to "Go into "The Session" (dun, dun don!) After "The Session"

After I was finished with my session, we headed back up to the main cabin for dinner. Awesome again, Mr. Lambeth!! After dinner, the guys all got out their guitars and I hopped on my keyboard, (not literally, of course) and we spent the rest of the evening in a beautiful time of worship and fellowship in front of the cozy fire.


On the last day, after the last group of people went to their sessions, two members of the Cobb church, Larry and Stephanie, got married on the retreat grounds!! We held a simple ceremony for them at around three in the afternoon. I had the honor of doing the bride's hair and make-up! (surprise, surprise ;) ) Despite the incredibly small amount of time that I had to get her ready, she looked simply ravishing, and the brief wedding ceremony was very touching. I'm not a budding photographer by any stretch, but somehow I became the "designated photographer" for the ceremony. I think I got some good photo shots of everyone, though! What a great ending to a perfect weekend!!








Outside the main meeting cabin Starbucks . . . On the way home . . . Alittle Grumpy . . .Waitin' for my Latte!!

***** AFTER THOUGHTS:

On the way home, Chris and I took this really cool "secret road" that goes over the mountain home; it is an alternate route instead of having to go over both mountains(St. Helena & Spring Mtns.) home from Santa Rosa. It's called . . . Shhhhh . . . . "Ida Clayton Rd." . . It is treacherous, it's daring, and half way thru not paved, but a hecka of alotta fun!! I held on to my "O' Shnikies Bar", all the way!! (ya know, that little handle thingy at the roof of the car that you hold on to?!) But lemme' tell ya, O' so fast of a way to get home!! It took us about twenty minutes to get to Middletown from the Calistoga area! Good times, Good times . . .

Thank you to Pastor Brad and Rhonda for such a wonderful time.




Good Ole' Pastor Bob

Pastor Bob, AKA - my Hermano Grande', you really DO look like Richard Gere (The actor)!! Thanks for pushing me to the limits in ministering unto the Lord this weekend. ;)

Jim and Tim, YOU ROCK THE HOUSE!!! Dan and Sally Lambeth, you are true servants - we are forever touched by your graciousness. . . Oooh, and Joan and Pam, I'll let you pray for me ANYTIME!! The neck and back are feelin' Oh so good; I'm going to measure my height - I'll report back to you!

**** Praise God for the beautiful family of God that He has blessed me with!

Say Goodbye

This is one of my favorite songs by my absolute fav. band, Skillet.

"Say Goodbye"

Things are changing

It seems strange and

I need to figure this out

You've got your life I got mine

But you're all I cared about

Yesterday we were laughing

Today I'm left here asking

Where has all the time gone now I'm left alone somehow

Growing up and getting older I don't want to believe it's over

Don't say goodbye

Cause I don't wanna hear those words tonight

Cause maybe it's not the end for you and I

And although we knew

This time would come for me and you

Don't say anything tonight

If you're gonna say goodbye

Do you remember In December

How we swore we'd never change

Even though you're leaving

That our feelings

Would always stay the same I

wish we could be laughing

Instead I'm standing here asking

Do we have to end this now

Can we make it last somehow

We both know what we've gotta say, not today

Cause I don't wanna leave this way

And if it's over

It hurts but I'm giving you my word

I hope that you're always

Happy like we were

Happy like we were

Yesterday we were laughing (if you're gonna say goodbye)

Today I'm left here asking (if you're gonna say goodbye)

And although we knew this time would come for me and you

Don't say anything tonight

If you're gonna say goodbye . . .

The Greatest Thing . . .

The greatest thing in life is to love,

and to be loved in return . . .

~ Father's Love Letter ~

My Child...

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. (Psalm 139:1)

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. (Psalm 139:2)

I am familiar with all your ways. (Psalm 139:3)

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. (Matthew 10:29-31)

For you were made in my image. (Genesis 1:27)

In me you live and move and have your being. (Acts 17:28)

For you are my offspring. (Acts 17:28)

I knew you even before you were conceived. (Jeremiah 1:4-5)

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians (1:11-12)

You were not a mistake. Psalm (139:15-16)

For all your days are written in my book. Psalm (139:15-16)

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. (Acts 17:26)

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm (139:14)

I knit you together in your mother’s womb. Psalm (139:13)

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm (71:6)
I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me. (John 8:41-44)

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. (1 John 4:16)

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. (1 John 3:1)
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. (1 John 3:1)

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. (Matthew 7:11)

For I am the perfect Father. (Matthew 5:48)

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. (James 1:17)

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. (Matthew 6:31-33)

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Because I love you with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.(Psalm 139:17-18 )

And I rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)

I will never stop doing good to you. (Jeremiah 32:40)

For you are my treasured possession. (Exodus 19:5)

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. (Jeremiah 32:41)

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. (Jeremiah 33:3)

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. (Deuteronomy 4:29)

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)

For it is I who gave you those desires. (Philippians 2:13)

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. (Ephesians 3:20)

For I am your greatest encourager. (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17)

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. (Psalm 34:18)

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. (Isaiah 40:11)
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation (21:3-4)

And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. (Revelation 21:4)

I am your Father and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. (John 17:23)

For in Jesus my love for you is revealed. (John 17:26)

He is the exact representation of my being. (Hebrews 1:3)

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. (Romans 8:31)

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19)

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. (2 Corinthians 5:18-19)

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. (1 John 4:10)

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. (Romans 8:32)

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. (John 2:23 )

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. (Romans 8:38-39)

Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. (Luke 15:7)

I have always been Father and will always be Father. (Ephesians 3:14-15)

My question is...Will you be my child? (John 1:12-13)

I am waiting for you. (Luke 15:11-32 )

. . . Love, Your Dad

Father's Love Letter used by permission Father Heart Communications Copyright 1999-2005 www.FathersLoveLetter.com

New Pics of the Family . . .

Family Photos (*Starring Allie-Grace Caldon)

Disclaimer!

So after posting my poem, "Omissions of a Weary Wounded", I have had numerous friends asking me if I was writing about them!! So, to clear things up once and for all, that poem was written about someone who is no longer in my life. Sadly, this person has so greatly distanced their self from me, that they won't even communicate anymore. So, rest in peace knowing that I love you my dear friends, and this fore-mentioned poem is not directed towards you!!! Grace and peace . . .
~ Nikki

A True Warrior

If you obtain strength only in your physical being, and neglect the central issues that weigh in the heart and mind, you will never be a true warrior in this conquest called "life". True strength lies in the heart and soul of man;

As the great C.S. Lewis once said, "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."

We must live and breathe each day knowing who we are, lest we die, ignorant of why we were really here in the first place . . .


What is "life"?

Does it truly define who we are if we are heartless, out of touch, apathetic;

WALKING DEAD MEN?

~ Nikki Caldon

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places" EPH 6:12

Omissions of a weary wounded . . .

Omissions from a weary wounded . . .
One blinding glance, a mere facade of a friendship
deep and meaningful, the shift is brutal and sudden,
and caught off guard, the rug is pulled right out from under

A blur of what exactly shifted, left me to scratch my head at this insanity
This which I poured my heart from, has left me to wonder why
Valuable were you to me, and such were you valued
Yet your open door slammed with no warning
it shut me out in the cold and left me confused
wandering in this swirling wind of rejection
your heart sits cold, calloused from what?

Who caused this wall to be built, your militant post,
guarding this fortress around your heart?
leaving you stale, suffocating in the selfishness of your ways
a coffin for the victims that lie in your path

You've forgotten what LIFE is and it's meaning
priority number one on your list, is in your mirror
I pray this hatred has been locked on my target only
Haunting no other innocent soul
For I could not bear for another
to be so plagued by this abyss of your gloom

When in your presence, the seething disapproval oppresses
It grabs me tightly and silently agresses
Your piercing glances of disgust seer through my core
frozen from fear, I fluster and cower
Leaving me dumfounded and empty
to answer why I tried so dearly

My heart was pure and eager to please
if by accident this was too much
I was willing to be just enough
No harm nor fowl were in my thoughts
A mere aquaintance was up for the offering
No expectations were needed just kindness and courtesy and on occasion

So here am I left in this awkward state
My only prayer, a wish, at this desperate rate
is that you breathe again, life and inspiration found,
embracing passion in your pursuit, and kindness abounding
A love for others, tact and patience found in your character

Maybe I will never see the fruition of change
perhaps I am the one to blame
A disease in your regretting past of forboding disdain
You wish to rid of my memory and name

Wash your hands of this then, and tell me of the gain
To erase me from the timeline in your window of delusion
What is the goal that lay before you, this accomplishment you seek?
If I shall walk, ever invisible in your presence
then this request I will grant
Is justice served, this punishment deserved?


Hate must not breed hate, lest hypocrisy be my state
So retaliation will not be ever - present
not in this heart or mind
betrayal is a bitter cup, one not well taken through these lips
lest I fall into this trap, I must quickly forgive
for it is written that bitterness is as rotteness to the bones
So I will stand strong with a solid foundation
one of graciousness and peace


My desire to care for you is still unscathed, my mission the same
To love you as my friend, with my heart and soul to save
No acknowledgement for you to recognize, my expectations are none
just know that you will have a faithful friend standing, should your merciless mission end . . .

Nikki Caldon
2007

A Heart-Check

I was listening to Jason Upton this morning as I was taking Christopher to school. I started talking to God, expressing my discouragement for not being able to write incredible "open heaven" songs like Jason, and ultimately feeling sorry for myself. (aww, "poor me" ) The Lord ever-so-gently reminded me that these types of songs are written out of a passionate relationship with Him. They are also written out of much prayer and time spent with God, both of which I have done very little of lately!


I was immediately convicted and compelled to spend some quality time talking with my first love, Jesus, and contending for the things that are on the heart of God. I've been so busy being a "Martha" that I've forgotten how to be a "Mary"; to just sit at the feet of Jesus and be with Him and listen to what is on His heart . . .

Food for thought . . .

THE WAY THROUGH THE WORLD

IS MORE DIFFUCULT TO FIND THAN THE WAY BEYOND IT.

- WALLACE STEVENS

You can run, but you cannot hide . . .

A walking hollow, an empty shell, you begin this journey, an uncharted path to find yourself, amidst the rushing fear and doubt. Questioning, you ponder your sense of worth and fight to prove. Running from the swirling, the pressing, tumultuous tide, you seek the fight to find yourself. So run, fight if you must, but be sure of this one thing, after all is said and done, was solace found in your seclusion?

For it once was told to me, "Wherever you go,
there you are ". . .

~Nikki Caldon

02/2007