Hard Life Lessons Learned . . .

One of the most difficult things that I am facing right now in my life and in my walk with God, is letting go. I have never walked through such insurmountable pain before, and everyday I am faced with the decision to "make or "break" my day based on my actions. This life is filled with so many uncertainties, and I have realized that by letting go, I am completely at God's mercy to take the "steering wheel" of my life. I have no clue where my destination lies, and the uncharted territory ahead is almost frightening. However, I have to trust the fact that because I have given my life completely over to Him, laying aside my thoughts, my will and desires, that He will bless me for my submission and obedience. This is not to say that the journey will be easy, without it's disappointments, and trials. It may also not look ANYTHING like I thought it would be, and I have to be okay with that.



God will go to any lengths to get to our hearts, He will allow us to be completely stripped of everything, just so our hearts will once again be totally His. He IS a jealous God as His word clearly states, and when we let ourselves get caught up in the world's way of life, then decide to come running home like the prodigal son, begging to be restored into our Father's house, it is not without conditions. One year ago, I prayed a very dangerous prayer. I asked for the Lord to show me why I had such a tendency to blindly run towards destructive things, even when my heart didn't desire to do those things. Over time, He revealed to me that I had so much hurt built up in my heart from past wounds, that I allowed walls to be built around my heart so that nothing could come in and hurt me. When I would feel rejected or unloved by someone, I would run away from them, desperately searching for someone else to make me feel valuable and important. The crazy thing is that I hurt other people in my life because I was hurt; it was this vicious cycle that I couldn't get off of. And to make things worse, when I knew that I had hurt someone, I would not forgive myself, and I thought that I would never be of any value to them ever again, even if they said that they forgave me. This caused me to run around in these destructive never-ending circles: I feel rejected, I run away, hurt someone out of my own hurt, feel rejected and unloved that I hurt them, so I run away, hurt someone again . . . . you get the picture.



Over the course of this last year, I have asked God to completely break me of this horrible sin pattern in my life. Step by step, little by little, He has shown me how to be totally free from this bondage. It has been a long, hard learning process and it has come with MANY consequences for my past wrong actions. I can say today I am TOTALLY free from that awful sin pattern that I followed, and that day by day I am finding the freedom to just be the Nikki that God intended for me to be. I am gaining strength in knowing who I am as a child of God and how to stand on my own two feet, strong and secure. I am by no means perfect, I still make mistakes in my life, but I can say in confidence that the sin pattern that plagued me is GONE!!!!



My mission now is to seek restoration from those whom I have hurt, and to show them by perseverance and a time of rebuilding trust, that I am not the same hurt Nikki that I used to be. I don't know how these people will react, I may never see a true "mending of relationships" due to their own fear of being hurt, but I know that I am determined to show them that I love and care enough to run after them, even if that means being hurt and rejected in return. The difference is that this time, I am fully aware of where I have been in the past, and the fact that I WILL never return to the past. I stand on the Word that Jesus speaks as a PROMISE, "Whoever the Son sets free is FREE INDEED!!!"


I have already come so far, that I will not go back. Hence, I press forward, how ever-hard this journey may be . . .


~ Nikki Caldon